Man, this is the most boring sofa I’ve ever seen on this corner. Let’s get it together and try a little harder mmm-kay. The placement is all off and the color is dull. You’re better than that people of Van Nuys.

Bryan Warman sent this in from his iPhone. In a heartfelt moment just a few week ago Bryan was brave enough to admit that he’s one of the seven people who reads this blog. God bless you—I need all the hits I can get.

In the spirt of celebrating crap left on the street we kick this one off with black and yellow love seat. Yes, I said black and yellow. Not just yellow, NEON yellow. One doesn’t typically find this color combination in living room furniture because it’s visually disturbing and could someone like me migraine. If I could go to the island of LOST I would throw this thing in the time machine and send it back to 1986.

What sets this sofa apart from the upholstered Van Nuys rubbish I lovingly photograph is it’s unique city of origin: Hollywood. Being from Tinsel Town this sofa of course has an agent who, as you can see, just walked away and left his Panda Express Dr. Pepper. I love L.A.!

Welcome to the Sofa of the Month Club: Horror Edition. I spotted this duo of Nerf-meets-Rococo casually hanging out in perfect symmetry. Symmetry, can be very haunting like H. R. Geiger but in some cases symmetry can be incredibly peaceful and calming like a Cathedral. I’m really not clear how these two love seats could fit into ANY decor. What do these go with? Why did they need two them? I just don’t get it. All I know is I found it a little unsettling and I’m glad they’ve been hauled off by the Van Nuys elves.

I think this may take the award for the most beautiful Sofa of the Month ever. Just look at the way it pours out on the street in an avalanche of blue plaid. The first thing to note though is that all the cushions are here. Normally people hold onto those for some reason. Maybe they like to prop themselves up in bed to read or the family dog takes one over. Anyway, the obvious bonus of this beauty is a sleeper—SUPER RARE! This is such a hot feature that I swear to you on the body of sweet baby Jesus that I saw a fellow Van Nuys resident with a screwdriver completely strip the entire apparatus out of the loveseat for his own home use. Who wouldn’t?

This little number has already been hauled away by the city. It will be missed. But, it will also live on in the home of the guy who is now sleeping on it’s insides.

They’re big and they’re brown and I’m not talking about the salty chocolate balls of Isaac Hayes. I’m talking about these two glorious upholstered turds that were left for dead on my corner. Were these ever in style?

If I were Christopher Lowell I would make Richard Simmons look like Russell Crowe. But, more importantly as a celebrity decorator what would I do with these? Personally, I think I would set them on fire. However, Chris might call this “a design dilemma” but he’d jump right in and pick a paint color, add an accent fabric, some accessories, and decide on a window treatment that would match the room. Well, actually, he might set them on fire, too.

Man, it’s been a while. The corner has been looking pretty lonely. The occasional mattress would pop up here and there but never any sofas—until today. this is a nice little brother/sister act. The little one appeared yesterday and this morning I see that the big one sneaked up behind it. The bigger the crowd the more people show up. I guess the same goes for furniture. I really like the crack-allure the little one has. It kinda looks like a bowl of pudding left in the fridge for too long. Again we’re missing the bottom cushions but those never seem to turn up. On my way home tonight I’m gonna check for change. Wish me luck.

UPDATE:

Someone dropped off another sofa today taking the grand total of sofas to 3!

UPDATE:

Someone threw another into the mix. Four is a record but let’s go for five. Come on residents of Van Nuys you can do it!

Not to be left out of the fun my Mom chimes in with her own Westside Chapter of the Sofa of the Month Club. Santa Monica may be a utopian communist republic with higher than normal housing prices but they hate a shitty sofa as much as the next guy. I don’t see this sofa in a home. It feels more like office furniture to me.

FYI: don’t park here. I love how the sign was revised and repaired with a new piece of plywood. Then, THAT broke and they just threw in the towel. Someone carefully leaned it against the sofa because it wouldn’t fit in the trash—which it totally would have.

Also look behind the fence. It looks like more that half of the shit here is trash too but for some reason they are keeping it. Fuck you sofa and sign you go on the other side of the fence to fend for yourself. But to anyone who walks by please know that all the other shit behind the 12 foot chain link fence is ours so don’t get any funny ideas.

This corner is a portal to another dimension or something. One day two sofas and two mattresses magically appear. Then, I come home from work and one sofa and both the mattresses are gone. The next morning the last sofa is gone. So much shit has come and gone it’s hard to keep up with. I always like to do a “reading” on the sofas to try and guess what their life was like before being left for dead on a corner in Van Nuys, but they’re just too fast for me.

I look into this sofa and I see 1996. Above it hangs a poster of 2 angels in an Aaron Brothers black metal frame. Beside it, a matching $18 halogen floor lamp points to the ceiling. There are no pets in this home but there is one child. There was a plan with the burgundy and hunter green stripes. It was all part of a vision. There was a theme. “I saw this thing at Pier One,” she said “it’s all going to come together.” It never came together and has now come to an end—on my corner.

I’d like to thank the Druids of Van Nuys for assembeling “Sofahenge” on my corner. It’s truly the best instalation I’ve seen so far. In the last few months the sofas have come and gone. There was even an old Lazyboy out there for a while.

But nothing really spoke to me until I saw this thing. I was temped when I saw a combo sofa and old-school big screen tv. That, was pretty good (not the November posting, this is ANOTHER TV/sofa combo). It had a 2001 monolith feel. I didn’t pull it together in time before it was picked up but it was good for at least an honerable mention.

My Dad chimed in a while back to show me how it’s done in Houston. Feast your eyes on this.

This photo was emailed to me with this caption.

“SOMEWHERE IN THIS PILE OF SHIT THERE ARE ACTUALLY 3 COMPLETE SOFAS.”

I love me some white trash.

My Mother also jumped in and with her own Santa Monica addition. However she took the photo with her digital camera, went to the drug store and printed it out, and then mailed me the print. This kind of defeats the whole convenience of email. I’ll scan and post one day.

Lastly I see this.

Now I’m not saying that my intellectual property has been stolen but I do feel like my intellectual property has been stolen—and they added music. It’s not easy being a trend setter.

UPDATE:

OK wait a fucking minute. Now I see this on the la.curbed.com comments: couches.wordpress.com. If you are a lawyer and would like to join me in a lawsuit that could reap punitive damages into the hundreds of dollars please contact me. Next thing you know there will be blogs posting photos of celebrities. This is such bullshit.